polishing rocks

When you polish rocks you're secretly sending messages to oprah's evil hit squad, Oprah's rejects - starring James Fry.  When they catch you, you have to confess some deep dark secret on her network.

that is old

larry the pig: part two

part 1
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Hey, Larry what do you think of the Amish?  They’re smelly Leprechauns whose idea of soap is a toilet.  How dare you talk about my ancestors, you limey!  Okay, liar or as I call you behind your back… fruit loops.  Hey, Larry at least I don’t think tremors is a discovery channel nature program.  Hey, fruit loops, I get it you think your funny I guess the joke is on you.

PS. Pigpen is so happy that he doesn’t have to read this in speech class.

I ran out of material for this so its short… excuses, excuses.

dear friends...

so I've created 3 set lists for the open mics I've been going to, i'm going to wait until the timing is right.

dear racists

I always wonder about the rational behind people joining the klan or some other racist group.  I bet when they decide to do it, they weren't singing kumbaya to their minority neighbors.  I guess "why can't we be friends" isn't on their play list.  I bet they can't recite Rodney King's plea "why can't we all just get along" but of course they think hitler's alive and livin in Kansas.  Why would hitler want to live in Kansas or somewhere else in the Midwest?  I know he wants to be a meth dealer in his new life, it all makes sense now!  I am so enlightened (by your wisdom), now I feel like I'm on top of the world!  Thanks racists for telling me the truth, you are so wise and smart especially when you call yourselves, Christian.  I'm just curious the whole "do unto others as you would them do unto you" how is that working out for you?  You tell me, you dumb lemmings.

They think jesus was a jew hater, I guess they missed the part that he is from a jewish heritage.  Why else would the roman guards who tortured him before his death call him "king of the jews" and have a sign that testified that fact.  You tell me, you swashbuckling idiots.

If this isn't funny, I don't care because their nothing funny to me about racism and if your a racist and you're reading this, do me a favor get your head out of your ass!

shutdown mayhem

I could post something really sarcastic about the government shutdown but why bother when cruz and his cronies made a bunch of the republicans look like jackasses so I don't have to... he did it for me.  thanks Yoda.  Now what am I suppose to do, write a post about the muppets?  Everybody in the public knew the republicans were Obama's bitch when the government shutdown was in full swing and if you didn't sorry that your cherry was broken. they didn't succeed at anything, if you think they did how does it feel to be living in neverland?  I know its a new case of roger rabbit being framed.  those who say they were successful are living a charade where their playing the "don't blink game" a game mr. cruz invented because he believes his own bullshit.  that's where you tell somebody not to blink and then you do it, like the republicans.  if I hit a nerve don't worry when you see me in my Eskimo "attire" we'll play rock paper scissors during the game you'll criticize me and call me a liberal or whatever the hell it is people say to other people to make themselves feel important and relevant.  the truth is Obama care is a law, it was upheld by the supreme court, so please spare you're pity party, I don't want to hear it.  if you hate Obama so much move to Mexico or Canada.

ps. I will say that I think the 30 hr requirement is stupid.

I like being an independent because its a license to piss democrats and republicans off. Do I support Obama care?  I support the notion of everybody getting insurance but i'm not really crazy about how Obama's law does it.  So to answer my question, I do not support Obama care.

who am I?

When I don't get my way I just label people.  I'd rather be vain than realistic.  My idea of fun is stealing land and giving it to my friends.  I get my kicks by renaming things like the secret police after my hero, odie.
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this short paragraph is a couple years old I obviously wrote it before his death.

hugo chavez (pic from npr)

 

not funny man...

I know what I'll do to make you laugh, i'll dance around in my undies during a blizzard while i'm doing the Macarena.  then, I will drool like a dog and say "feed me."

the end

the monkey's adventure

The Monkey’s Adventure

  Ronnie the monkey is enjoying a ripe mango for dinner, when he smells a strange aroma.  The allure of this smell causes him to search for it.  When he ascends to the canopy, he sees black smoke coming from the west.  This intrigues him, so he climbs down to the forest floor. 

  He decides after dinner that he must abandon his home and find this mystery.  This scent is intoxicating to him so he climbs a baobab tree and starts swinging from tree to tree until he spots the forest’s lone traitor, Yogi Bear and his apprentice Boo Boo.  They masquerade as animals but they’re informants for the monsters – humans.  Ronnie decides to throw his gooey butt mustard at them… splat.  A direct hit, the crowd goes wild!

  When he starts to travel again, he decides to walk until it becomes dark.  That’s when the wind whispers to him: the king will do as he pleases.  He will exalt and magnify himself above every god and will say unheard-of things against the God of gods.  He will be successful until the time of wrath is completed, for what has been determined must take place.  This disconcerts Ronnie but the wind gives him comforting words.  He continues to walk and talks to himself.  “Silverbacks think their special.  When in fact silverbacks are the antithesis of arrogance, they prance around beating their chests like Tarzan and think that it will cause acclaim.  When the truth is silverbacks are temporary kings and the other king is temporary.”

  The dark arrives and his audacious plan causes weariness.  His body is in agony so he climbs up a poison arrow tree.  The tree bark is uncomfortable but he still falls asleep.

  Scar, the lion walks into the animal hospital with an abscess tooth.  Jessica Rabbit brings him back to the dental chair – the dentist is going to help that tooth feel better, honey.  Then, the chair asks Scar if he wants to dance.  When he refuses the chair burst into tears and says, “Nobody cares I have feelings, purpose, and value.  I’m more than just suede leather!”  When the chair transforms into George Bush, Scar rolls his eyes.  When George talks about edumacation and shoes being thrown at an innocent victim – wink, wink – when he admonishes Scar never to let a power hungry meanie to be second in line, Scar’s aversion causes him to roll his eyes.  When George turns into an apple Scar passes out.  When he wakes up in the dental chair, Ronnie the dentist says, “This laughing gas is made to make you feel happy.”  Scar realizes that he is an arsonist investigator with a special mission – find out who wants to destroy his kingdom.  A telegram comes and a pal – z – reads it to him. “Lucy is trying to destroy your kingdom because that is what a liar and murderer does.  This creep loves fire and seeing the world burn.”  This concerns Scar but he realizes it is not his fight.  When he wakes up and Ronnie tells him it’s over.  Scar realizes he is a hobo because Ronnie took all his teeth out.  That’s when Ronnie gets thrown against a wall and that’s when Ronnie wakes from his dream. 

  The ache from falling stops a short time later.  A fall off a tree is a new experience.  He realizes that it’s still dark so he goes back up the tree and sleeps.

  The birds chirp and sing; the bugs buzz and fly.  Ronnie wakes up stiff with the sound of birds and bugs.  He is annoyed but at least a monster didn’t shout: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.  Okay, Romeo, I know what you can do next; you can kill the world’s most wanted terrorist.  I know what Elmer Fudd told you: I’m hunting a terrorist, be very, very quiet.  Wow way to pick a great hit man, Captain America!  Ronnie thought.

  The morning is new and he is hungry.  The sunlight inspires awe but the heat is arid.  When it comes to food, the abysmal selection is disappointing.  A couple banana’s is not ideal but it’s his only choice.

  When he moves west after breakfast he encounters, Kerio.  This river is huge and deep.  Where is Moses when you need him?  Ronnie walks on the river bank to find a place to cross.  A crocodile ambush is a dangerous proposition.  That is why the passage across, Kerio, must be short.  Time passes and a point to cross is found… at the crossing point he meets Selma, a hippo.  She asked, “Hey, sugar do you want a ride to the other side?  Yes.  What is your name, honey?  Ronnie.  Well, Ron hop aboard.”

genet

  When Selma moves, she said.  “Boy, this current is swift.  I know a fun game that we can do to past the time.  You interested, Ron?  Sure.  What’s the game called?  Hungry, hungry, hippos… I am kidding – predator mockery.  You see Ron we pick out a predator and say a joke about it.  The goal is to cause each other to laugh.”  Ronnie thought for a moment then thought up a joke.  “Hey, look an apex predator (a genet) is going to get us, I’m so scared.  You know what a genet really stands for Selma?  Dangerous!  When they growl I shriek in terror!  Ron, when they roar at me.  I interpret their subliminal message… there’s no place like home.”  What is this a mister Rogers episode?  That’s the best you could do?  You need to go to a comedy asylum and quit watching the wizard of oz.  Let me guess the cowardly lion is really superman in disquise, Sherlock.  Ronnie thought.  When Selma got to the middle of the Keiro, she spotted a crocodile and said, “I know who needs a huggie wuggie.”  So this is how they torture prisoners at Gitmo.  “Your turn Ron, you won that round, Selma” because it gave me a comedic laxative.  “A hyena is a shrink’s fantasy come true.”  What no punch line, Selma?  I get it hippos do not believe in practicing comedy material.  They get their inspiration from Larry the cable guy.  “Your turn, Ron, okay, Satan’s Pig… what, I’m quoting a hyena’s love letter to you – Selma.  I should put adhesive tape over that rat trap you call a mouth.”  How are you going to do that Nancy Drew?  What are the Hardy Boys going to hold me down while you try to tape my mouth shut?  Wait… Jessica Fletcher is going to wave her magic wand and the case will be solved!  “Okay, Bridget Jones.”  That’s when Selma bucks him off her back onto the shore. 

   When Ronnie went into the forest it starts to rain and he starts to daydream about Lucy’s downfall.  They say, the mightier they are the harder they fall.  Arrogance and pride caused Lucy’s downfall.  It was corrupt and the swine that followed it were corrupt.  The progression it followed was my brethren and I are corrupt so let’s cause acrimony between the monsters and their creator.  That’s why Lucy became a viper; it showed its true nature… death.  You see a viper’s venom has one purpose and that’s to kill.  The two monsters it encountered were not astute because they made an assumption.  That Lucy was correct about the special tree’s fruit and its health benefits.  When they realized their mistake it was too late.  Generations of monsters suffered until the everlasting hope came to set monsters free of their bondage.  This hope offers freedom for all monsters from Lucy’s chains.

  Ronnie walks into the river and realizes he is on an island.  He looks up and sees a bridge on the hilly section of the island.  His thirst is great, so he drinks.  When he doesn’t expect it, Selma charges him and yells.  “I want monkey for dinner.”  He runs up to the bridge and escapes but Selma isn’t so lucky.  She gets killed by a poacher.    

  The bridge is long – Ronnie starts to walk on it.  “I wonder why monsters base jump.  I know they’re following their evolutionary progression.”  The bridge’s wooden panels grew hot in the mid-afternoon sun.  “I’m no fool.  I realize that a firewalk at a Tony Robbins event is a needy person’s plea for help.  I guess Oprah missed the memo and I guess Gail didn’t slap her hard enough!”  When Ronnie gets to the quarter point of the bridge, he says to himself: hey, Obama, Rufio called to tell you that you’re his new intern.  Then, a strong wind slams Ronnie against the bridge.  “Now I know how Wiley E Coyote feels.  No wonder he ended up in a sanitarium.”  The hair on the back of Ronnie’s neck stands up, because death is coming for him.  He knows the sound of army ants and runs for his life.  When he stops running, he is at the base of the Great Rift Valley.  He walks up a mountain and finds some food.  The night comes and he slumbers on a rock. 

  Lenny, a badger, runs into the bathroom.  Where he witnessed George Bush put on a hockey mask.  Lenny said, “What’s with the hockey mask?  My Muslim friends enjoy a kind of dodgeball where they use shoes instead of balls.  I feel so honored when they invite me over to play.”  When George left, Vladimir Putin walked out of a stall singing Russian show tunes.  Lenny said, “What do the lyrics mean?  My little badger friend, let me explain it to you.”  Okay, but I’m sure it won’t be about you’re love for the Russian Press, Lenny thought.  “I’m singing about how great I am and how Mother Russia loves me!  Really?  I thought it would be about your bad breath.”  Putin glared at him. 

  That’s when the bathroom transforms into a space museum.  Lenny is dizzy because he he’s in an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.  When Alfred runs past him and says, “Run!”  The warning doesn’t faze Lenny until a song lyric comes to mind.  “One king will reign, one kingdom will remain.  The birth of the beast in thee, in vain, in he, insane.” 

  Ronnie woke up screaming because he had seen what had happened to Lenny and the rest of the animals in his nightmare.  Those gullible monsters, they’ll do and believe anything for world peace. 

  The morning is new and the memory of his nightmare is hazy.  He eats bananas for breakfast.  When his hunger is satiated, he climbs up a poison arrow tree; he swings from tree to tree.  He notices that he is in a huge swamp but is on the edge of it.  When he passes the swamp, and gets on the forest floor.  A horde of tsetse flies chase him.  Fifteen minutes later, he thinks his escape is a success but when he starts to sink in quicksand, he screams, “Help!”  A bear comes to his aid.

  “Hello, I’m Smokey the Bear and only you can prevent forest fires.  Why are you telling me that?  You imbecile, the forest is not burning.  I tell that to all my victims before I barbecue them.  Monkey sounds… delicious.  Okay Columbus.”  That is when Smokey started sharpening a butcher’s knife and started to drool.  Then, he put on some techno and danced around his barbecue pit.  This is his routine before he barbecues – the forest service always has to clean up his messes.  Ronnie shouted, “Hey, ass wipe, techno is for yuppies.”  This ruined Smokey’s fun and it enraged him.  “You’re going to pay for that Curious George.  Oh really?  I’m so scared… fatso.  Hey, where’s your yellow straight jacket, barbecue man?  Barbecue this, you circus act!”  That’s when Ronnie threw some quicksand in Smokey’s face.  Smokey got even madder, when he tripped and fell into his own barbecue pit.  That’s when the Oompa Lumpas attacked Smokey and threw gasoline on him.  Ronnie thanked them for saving him and for the tasty lunch.  That’s what happens when American Imperialism comes to Africa.  Willy Wonka’s gangsters handle it.

  When Ronnie leaves the Oompa Lumpas he meets Johnny the Orangutan.  Johnny said, “Did you hear the awful news?  Yep, they let Arnold Schwarzenegger act after he left politics… god help us all.  Nope, Watson.  The CIA kidnapped Smurfette for their diabolical experiments.”

  Great, what will my biographer think of next?  His name wasn’t even Johnny and he didn’t call me Watson.  This guy cannot get his facts straight.  That’s why Bill O’Reily is his biggest fan.  This whole story is filled with errors!  That’s why MSNBC is bank rolling his next book.  I bet he will feel nice and dirty after he publishes this crap.  Biography, my ass!

  “Hey, Ronnie stop mumbling or the CIA will abduct you, like smurfette.  Thanks for the warning, hawk eye.”  Ronnie rolled his eyes but Johnny would not let go of this absurdity.  He said, “They wanted smurfette because the ocean had turned purple!  They thought they could melt her and then, the ocean would turn back to blue, but she is one feisty broad.  She turned into a ninja and escaped her captors.  The damage done was severe; the CIA made her their number one enemy.”  Ronnie slapped Johnny and said, “Stop watching martial arts films.”

  When Ronnie leaves Johnny, he sees the clearing with the mysterious smell.  The fire is out – the monsters roasted a wild boar.  He realizes that the smell is myrrh and its source is a basket.  He jumps into the basket and basks in its smell.  Ten minutes later he looks up and all he sees is sky.  Then, he looks down and sees he is at least 1000 feet above the ground, he doesn’t worry, he figures that where ever he lands he will have another grand adventure.

 

The End

previous thesaurus madness posts
Z

screw html

the computer's are so old at the library i go to that the interface for blogger no longer works so it will probably be sometime before i can regularly post stuff, my monkey story is almost complete (2000+ words), so i'm not sure when that will be posted because i have to do another draft and i'll have to go to another library to post it. i don't feel like doing everything through html and the reason your reading this is because i did it through html. this applies to all my blogs not just this one.

stupid humans

A Smokey the Cat rant

My owners are stupid.  They think they own me, when in fact I own them.  Their about as smart as dead lobsters and they smell like them.  A bath to a human is dumping chemicals on themselves and jumping in front of somebody and saying, "Suprise, I'm clean!"  When we all know they still stink.  Why else would they have so many different kinds of deodorant?  I know santa claus had to pay off the mob!  You want to brainwash a gullible human, rub them a couple of times a day.  That's how they become whipped.  Those stupid fools.  Their heart must flutter when I meow.  I want to let them in on the joke but their ignorant.  What's the joke?  That I own them and they do my bidding.  Those idiots!

doggy justice

Bell, a dog had a big frown on his face because of an ominous thought.  Why do his doggy treats call him a needy Muppet?  Then, he gets another scary thought.  What if their working in collusion with his doggy toys?  They call him an asinine ferret.

He thinks those dog treats are just a vile attempt by corporate America to make him fat.  That’s the real reason old yeller died.  The book and movie are just a marketing ploy to make humans turn into crying saps!

In addition, those dog toys believe their Machiavellian plot to get rid of him will succeed.  They want to be man’s best friend.  Those conniving weasels!  They think squeaking will make the master, happy.  Those stupid posers! Their plan will lead to the master’s disillusionment.

He gets a brilliant idea to deal with his new found enemies.  Drown them with his invigorating yellow wine; he just has to work on his aim.  The next time these dissident punks decide to try to rise against him, they will pay the ultimate price!

yogi and friends dirty secrets

Yogi Bear let me in on a couple of dirty secrets about a Pennsylvania campground named after him.  What are the secrets?  That the national company – Jellystone Park – lets “mama bear” fire employees without training them.  That’s because she is a vampire who parades around at night stalking the campers.  You cannot have too many victims from Jersey!  When she wakes up “papa bear” tells her to take her medicine so she’s human and then the blood sucking stops!  What is her medicine?  Treating her employees like shit and acting like an angel when new campers arrive.  Hey, she’s not two-faced she’s deranged.  If the new campers knew of their impending death – especially the people from Jersey – they would run for their lives and if future employees knew about the vampire.  They would bring a wooden stake to the interview and say, “Ms. Mama Bear, do you enjoy having a bunch of employees talking about you behind your back?  How does it feel to be the butt of jokes where you’re called a bitch, a witch, and a bunch of other fancy terms that mean asshole?”  That’s when Ranger Rick will come out of the woods and drive the stake into her.  Then, he will tell everybody that decency and respect has returned to the campground.

When Ranger Rick cleans himself up, he spills the beans on some more dirty secrets.  The dirty secrets are about “goldilocks” behavior.  This woman is a coward.  Why else would she let “mama bear” fire one of her employees?  I know she was smoking in the girl’s room.  Why would she leave early, the day that he was fired?  I forgot she was making a “porridge” run.  Why would she tell mama bear that her employee was slow when it took her 20 minutes to get to his interview?  Wait, she was the slow one not the fired employee.  No shit!  I guess in this case not all stereotypes about blonds are wrong.  Goldilocks can give all the excuses she wants but we all know INS is anal about giving out green cards.  Why didn’t she realize he was bored and her judgment that he was slow was wrong?  Can you say idiot?  Why did she not train him?  Incompetence is a virtue to her. 

Then, Boo Boo came along and told of shady things related to taxes and how the fired employee is reporting them to the BRS – Bear Revenue Service – and how Yogi is in hiding because of all the picnic baskets he has stolen.  When “smokey the bear” gets here management will have a lot of explaining to do and smokey isn’t nice to people who burn other things besides fires.

If this post concerns you please call:

(513) 831-2100 Jellystone Park’s Corporate Offices

The names have been changed so I do not get sued but everything in this post is true and please if you know me do not use my name, tell them yogi sent you.

eddie the lollipop

The lollipop’s name is Eddie and he hates little kids.  Why?  They look so sweet but beneath the veneer they’re sadists.  “Daddy can I have a lollipop?”  That’s a code word for murder.  They love ripping the skin off of Eddie’s friends.  They claim it’s a ‘wrapper’ when in fact their insides are being exposed.  You should hear their horrific screams.  They love saying, “This tastes good grandpa!”  The slaughter of the innocent is deplorable anything tastes good to ravenous wolves!  You don’t believe me talk to Dr. Phil.  They love ending it quick, they bite off the heads of Eddie’s friends to make themselves feel important.  Those pretentious snobs who justify what they do with excuses.  They say, “Yummy, yummy, in my tummy!”  When they should be saying, “I’m so sorry for injuring you, I should be eating crackers right now but Dick Cheney has a gun to my head because he thinks its hunting season.”  Then, they throw them out like a piece of trash because they act like they’re a common criminal. When they’re precious individuals, they each have a unique identity and story but what do little kids care.  Hey, if you get cavities because of this I have a couple words for you.  You reap what you sow, you wannabe hobbits!

online poker boy

I know what I’ll do I’ll whine to the librarian about the computers being slow and when the smart guy – wink, wink – suggests that you re-upload the site I’ll act like an idiot.  I’ll respond to him like he’s a jackass.  When she leaves for 20 or so minutes afterward I’ll press the mouse as much as possible, I’m not annoying or stupid, nope I’m just trying to exercise my smartest body part.

tv prophet

hey, I know what I want to be when I grow up a "prophet."  Then, I can create my own tv ministry and beg for money.  I can promise you that you will be blessed with your love gift when in fact i'm just saying that to sucker you.  How the hell am I suppose to know that?  I'm not God!  I am just a business man!  I can be inaccurate and just say "oops" when my prophecy is completely off.  I can cry on tv when I cheat on my wife and say i'm sorry and expect my idiot followers to still send in their love gifts.  They believe that she is the root of the problem not me because i'm such a nice guy on tv, I would never do something that horrible on purpose.  I can proclaim doom and gloom while my books and dvds on the subject fly out like hot cakes to the senile old ladies and fools who buy them.  During which i'm counting the money and buying a new yacht.  I can act like I have secret information and that's why you should listen to me.  When in fact i have a whole team of lemmings working for me, who get me the information.  I make sure to ridicule other branches of Christianity so i do not seem arrogant.  I know what your thinking when am I going to reveal my ministry's yearly income?  When I get to heaven!

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I'm wondering if i've killed any sacred cows? hmmmm

cable news producer

I have a stick and I'm going to beat a sucker to death.  So do you want to be clobbered?  Do you want to be my next victim?  Haha I love being a cable news producer!  I get all tingly when I think of those saps who watch my shows some of whom are my victims - toni medrano wink, wink.  I love selling fear to the masses and watching them scream at the tv: were going to die, ahhhhhhhhh!  I love making it seem that something horrible is going to happen everyday when in reality its a rare occurrence but people are so stupid if I told them in a story that donald duck was a serial killer they would believe it!  They would be like geez, i always thought donald was a nice duck, gosh i should go see my shrink to find out what is so wrong with me.  I guess when the ducksters was cancelled he lost it!  You want be gullible believe the shit i enjoy shoveling.

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this sarcastic rant was written a long time ago, is it funny, i'm not sure, if its not oh well, i'm to lazy to try and rewrite it. i added a bunch to it the new stuff starts after the 5th sentence.

ms. medrano is just an example and i'm not mocking her death since i think what nancy grace did was horrible especially her attitude after her death.

cookie monster's revenge

This dude came up to me and said, “The matrix is real.”  I’m like “oh really, so is the sesame street mafia!”  He’s like “tell me more.”  I said, “If you play or listen to death metal, the big blue guy with the cookie fetish, gets you man.”  He said, “Noooo” because that’s when I stepped out of the dark, and he saw that I'm the cookie monster.  He ran for his life because he is a Cannibal Corpse fan, and I said, "Dodge this, you wannabe neo" he didn't get that far.  I dragged him into an alley way, in the process i got all bloody.

Then, a little girl came up to me on the street and asked, “Hey, cookie monster why are you all red?”  I responded, “I’m elmo’s bastard.  What’s a bastard?  It’s what you say to your parents when you are really thankful for something.  Thanks cookie monster and thanks for the cookie.”  Then she skipped along happy to have the inside scoop on today’s word.

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I wrote this sometime ago, I added some stuff today and just for the record I am not a fan of the band listed.

ps. just in case you didn't grow up in the underground metal scene the vocals of death metal are commonly referred to as 'cookie monster' vocals and that is the joke of the whole post.

yogi bear's death

Wally the cat’s zeal for chasing mice was notorious.  He loved zigzagging before pouncing; sort of like what obama does to avoid tough questions from the white house press core.  His zany antics were legendary and so are kimmel’s when he gets drunk on the air!  Friends viewed Wally as a zealot. 

However, they viewed him as a pansy when it came to bees.  The reason bees scared him so much was because they soared like a zeppelin and had zero tolerance when they got angry.  Plus he’s allergic to bee stings!

His owners’ bill and ted feel that life is an excellent adventure.  That’s why they enjoy watching zarzuelas on Telemundo.  They always say to each other, we should learn Spanish so we can understand what they are saying to each other.  Ted is convinced that their just saying “party on dude.”  When they get zonked they try to pronounce Sesame Street’s word of the day like today’s word: zeitgeist which they are convinced means Mary had a little lamb and he was white as snow.

Then, Yogi Bear burst into the room and said, “Boo Boo’s in the zoo we have to do a rescue mission.”  Bill said, “Animals can talk, so can my gun!”  Later that night, they had bear steaks with lemon zest.  Yum Yum!  He tasted better than the average bear.

The next day, the peta people burst into the room and saw the kill zone with Yogi’s bloody hat.  They screamed you has-beens you killed Yogi!  No we didn’t we would never kill that catcher.  You stupid ingrates!  However, before they could finish their rant, Boo Boo walked out of the bedroom with a brand new Zenith TV.  Their mouths hit the floor because they thought Boo Boo was in the Zion City Animal Shelter but he escaped.  When they saw him licking his chops and heard him say, “Boy, Yogi you taste damn good!”  They were horrified and screamed, what is this a twisted version of Narnia?  Let me guess Puzzle’s going to come out next like a jackass and invite us to a game of truth or dare.  When Pete Puma came out instead and said, “I need some lumps.”  The peta activists were like what is this a two-bit cartoon reunion?  Pete and Boo Boo didn’t like their attitude so they chased them out of the house and down the street.

The end

Moral of the story: little bears like the taste of bigger bears.

station burning

Hey, let's have a cumbersome, long adventure with ridiculous food prices and stops in meaningless hick towns!  Goody, goody, don't you want to take a ride on Amtrak's Pennsylvania line from Western Pennsylvania?  The freight trains have us as their bitches since their "special" and were just suckers waiting for our train to arrive.  You want to be on time, learn how to drive, sucker.  Hey, look on the bright side, in the winter we get to freeze our asses off waiting for the them to pass.  Heating, at the train station?  Really, this is a government supported monopoly.  What were you expecting, huh, some pennsylvania hicks to start a fire in the middle of the train station so we can hear their scary stories while the train station burns?  Hey, look on the bright side, if were early to harrisburg.  We get to go to allison hill on a field trip!  We can see if the gang members understand our sign language.  Woo Hoo!  That's when hicks cry for their mommy.

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this post is inspired by real life events of waiting for trains at johnstown pennsylvania's train station. so i have riden the pennsylvanian which is a train that goes from pittsburgh to new york city and nyc to pittsburgh everyday.

i wrote this a long time ago and this is a repost from leaving the dark for truth.

z the clown

Z the Clown: part 1

The circus clown – z – was hilarious and gifted.  He was so gifted that fame had found him.  For some reason his stage name was z, nobody knew why or if there was any significance to it.  His real name, well, that is a mystery – another mystery is why women talk non-stop, I know they want to see how fast they can drive men crazy!  In addition, z didn’t care about money or fame.  He just liked bringing joy to people especially the downtrodden.  When it came to life, he wasn’t perfect.

Maugrim a clown had jealousy towards z because of his talents.  So that is why he is such a prick.  That explains a lot!  In addition, he convinced himself that he was better that z.  Hey, Charlie you are not the only one who needs to see a five cent psychiatrist.  Maugrim is captain of the conceited army.  He views himself as special but everybody else views him as a scoundrel.  Why?  There are a couple reasons.  First, he thinks Zion is a fable!  Good call, Forrest!  Second, he thinks revenge causes you to be rewarded.  Yep bitterness, envy, and rage are so tasty especially when you think you’re not a sucker!  This is a new kind of April fools joke.   He’s not gullible he’s just “liberated.”  Third, when it came to ripping people off, he was in a class all by himself.  I guess he never saw a Christmas Carol.  That goon!  Finally, he embraced vanity with all his heart.  What is there not to like about people who are conceited?  I know everything!

Maugrim loved spreading lies because it fed his ego.  I guess he never read this: his malice maybe concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.  He really hated z so he told the one gullible person – Harry Reid* – he knew Johnny the owner.  That our hero was intolerant to monkeys.  Gasp!  Why do I have a sudden urge to jump up on the tables at the library and start acting like I’m a monkey?  Ooh ooh aah aah!  I bet Jack Hanna would talk me down off the library tables.  Now I have to stop humoring myself because I don’t believe in mocking myself it is against my comedic creed. I have to get back to the story.  Johnny believed in tolerating anything just so everybody would be comfortable.  This led to z’s dismissal, it didn’t matter that z enjoyed watching monkeys at the zoo. 

The end.

*it’s a joke please don’t send the IRS after me

grammar snobs

To all my grammar snobby friends, whatever heathen, yo ain't it time yous to get a life you losers and to stop quacking?  Word to pasturized milk, which beats like gasoline but totally like totally loses to rock candy which your mama drools over ewww which is not a cure for rickets you brat which means these people fart a lot ewww stinky like dudes and dudettes i'm melting ahhhhhhh just like obama's concept of reality.

the end
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i wrote this a long time ago.

self check out line

Hey I know what I’ll do; I’ll create a self check out line at the library, just so I can have a power trip.  You know me; I enjoy treating people like lemmings because I have a boring life.  Hey, you want to take out a dvd, you have to come to me because I’m so special and wonderful.  Then, I get to act like I care about you.  Doesn’t that sound fun!  Hey, if I see you trying to take out a dvd on your own at the self check out line, I’ll get testy because my job is so pointless.  I know what it is I have to make you treat me like I have a relevant life.  You know what the computer at the check out line is really for, its to brainwash you into thinking that you have independence.  When in realty the computer is just part of my vapid personality!

dear joseph smith

Joseph Smith claimed that he got the book of Mormon from an angel.  Yea and Roger Rabbit is my bookie, give me a break.  What are they going to view minorities as subhuman?  Oh wait they had that in their beliefs, but then they had a special meeting to clear that up.  How convenient, I guess being bigots didn’t fill their collection plates.  I guess god gave them a new "message."  So that’s why Utah is the whitest place I have ever visited!  In other news, Joseph Smith was never special; he was just a liar with a common name. 

photo from pbs.com

fema's excuse

The people who work for fema were singing Kumbayah, when the levees broke.  When the trailer homes were being built it was Joy to the World.  When the homes were sent to a different part of the country to rot it was Anarchy in the U.K.  Karaoke is a great invention, it helped them get so much done.  Wow, their an inspiration to all, especially monkeys who can do sign language. 

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i wrote this a really long time ago, this is the first time i've published it.

my comedic hero

I amuse myself by acting like i'm carrot top.  How do I do this?  First, I eat carrots so my hair turns... carroty.  Then, I go to the local drug dealer "tiny" and get my roids since he isn't just eating carrots.  Then, I make props so I can be a glorified stage hand.  Then, I wear a badge that has comedian on it; otherwise you'll think I'm a drooling monkey.

picture from buzzfeed.com

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this bit was written some time ago and its a repost as all of the posts have been so far.

the murder scene

A crowd gathered around the murder scene... that old chap is dead.  I wonder why?  He didn't listen to his misses.  He never put the toliet seat down.

larry the pig: part one

My pig Larry likes wallowing in mud.  When I pointed this out to him, he called me a neat freak.  Yea, my pig is like Alf, he can talk.  I got mad and called him a slob.  He called me predictable.  So I retaliated by hosing him down with water.  He didn’t like that and called me the big bad wolf.  I told him I am no wolf, lamb chops.  He got even madder, because lambs are stupid.  I was like wow Mr. Smelly way to face reality!  He told me I was just a little boy in my own little world.  I responded, thanks Mr. Rogers for that enlightening comment!  Hey, look who it is its gizmo in the flesh, so when you eat at night do you multiple?  When you get wet do you turn into your own freak show? He squealed in anger after I said that!  Squealer, squealer!  Hey he said, at least I’m desired.  Yea for tasty mouth watering bacon, I said.  I was like by the way how is Miss Piggy?  Oops, I forgot she dumped you for a frog!  How does it feel to be Kermit’s bitch? Haha, I couldn’t stop laughing until Larry pointed out to me that he liked his bacon crispy, and that if I didn’t shut up he would turn me into it.  Wow, you’re a cannibal, he smirked at me in agreement and eventually our discussion calmed down and we talked about other things.  What are those things? You’ll have to wait.

Ps. Pig pen was so happy that I didn't mention him in this.