polishing rocks

When you polish rocks you're secretly sending messages to oprah's evil hit squad, Oprah's rejects - starring James Fry.  When they catch you, you have to confess some deep dark secret on her network.

that is old

the monkey's adventure

The Monkey’s Adventure

  Ronnie the monkey is enjoying a ripe mango for dinner, when he smells a strange aroma.  The allure of this smell causes him to search for it.  When he ascends to the canopy, he sees black smoke coming from the west.  This intrigues him, so he climbs down to the forest floor. 

  He decides after dinner that he must abandon his home and find this mystery.  This scent is intoxicating to him so he climbs a baobab tree and starts swinging from tree to tree until he spots the forest’s lone traitor, Yogi Bear and his apprentice Boo Boo.  They masquerade as animals but they’re informants for the monsters – humans.  Ronnie decides to throw his gooey butt mustard at them… splat.  A direct hit, the crowd goes wild!

  When he starts to travel again, he decides to walk until it becomes dark.  That’s when the wind whispers to him: the king will do as he pleases.  He will exalt and magnify himself above every god and will say unheard-of things against the God of gods.  He will be successful until the time of wrath is completed, for what has been determined must take place.  This disconcerts Ronnie but the wind gives him comforting words.  He continues to walk and talks to himself.  “Silverbacks think their special.  When in fact silverbacks are the antithesis of arrogance, they prance around beating their chests like Tarzan and think that it will cause acclaim.  When the truth is silverbacks are temporary kings and the other king is temporary.”

  The dark arrives and his audacious plan causes weariness.  His body is in agony so he climbs up a poison arrow tree.  The tree bark is uncomfortable but he still falls asleep.

  Scar, the lion walks into the animal hospital with an abscess tooth.  Jessica Rabbit brings him back to the dental chair – the dentist is going to help that tooth feel better, honey.  Then, the chair asks Scar if he wants to dance.  When he refuses the chair burst into tears and says, “Nobody cares I have feelings, purpose, and value.  I’m more than just suede leather!”  When the chair transforms into George Bush, Scar rolls his eyes.  When George talks about edumacation and shoes being thrown at an innocent victim – wink, wink – when he admonishes Scar never to let a power hungry meanie to be second in line, Scar’s aversion causes him to roll his eyes.  When George turns into an apple Scar passes out.  When he wakes up in the dental chair, Ronnie the dentist says, “This laughing gas is made to make you feel happy.”  Scar realizes that he is an arsonist investigator with a special mission – find out who wants to destroy his kingdom.  A telegram comes and a pal – z – reads it to him. “Lucy is trying to destroy your kingdom because that is what a liar and murderer does.  This creep loves fire and seeing the world burn.”  This concerns Scar but he realizes it is not his fight.  When he wakes up and Ronnie tells him it’s over.  Scar realizes he is a hobo because Ronnie took all his teeth out.  That’s when Ronnie gets thrown against a wall and that’s when Ronnie wakes from his dream. 

  The ache from falling stops a short time later.  A fall off a tree is a new experience.  He realizes that it’s still dark so he goes back up the tree and sleeps.

  The birds chirp and sing; the bugs buzz and fly.  Ronnie wakes up stiff with the sound of birds and bugs.  He is annoyed but at least a monster didn’t shout: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.  Okay, Romeo, I know what you can do next; you can kill the world’s most wanted terrorist.  I know what Elmer Fudd told you: I’m hunting a terrorist, be very, very quiet.  Wow way to pick a great hit man, Captain America!  Ronnie thought.

  The morning is new and he is hungry.  The sunlight inspires awe but the heat is arid.  When it comes to food, the abysmal selection is disappointing.  A couple banana’s is not ideal but it’s his only choice.

  When he moves west after breakfast he encounters, Kerio.  This river is huge and deep.  Where is Moses when you need him?  Ronnie walks on the river bank to find a place to cross.  A crocodile ambush is a dangerous proposition.  That is why the passage across, Kerio, must be short.  Time passes and a point to cross is found… at the crossing point he meets Selma, a hippo.  She asked, “Hey, sugar do you want a ride to the other side?  Yes.  What is your name, honey?  Ronnie.  Well, Ron hop aboard.”

genet

  When Selma moves, she said.  “Boy, this current is swift.  I know a fun game that we can do to past the time.  You interested, Ron?  Sure.  What’s the game called?  Hungry, hungry, hippos… I am kidding – predator mockery.  You see Ron we pick out a predator and say a joke about it.  The goal is to cause each other to laugh.”  Ronnie thought for a moment then thought up a joke.  “Hey, look an apex predator (a genet) is going to get us, I’m so scared.  You know what a genet really stands for Selma?  Dangerous!  When they growl I shriek in terror!  Ron, when they roar at me.  I interpret their subliminal message… there’s no place like home.”  What is this a mister Rogers episode?  That’s the best you could do?  You need to go to a comedy asylum and quit watching the wizard of oz.  Let me guess the cowardly lion is really superman in disquise, Sherlock.  Ronnie thought.  When Selma got to the middle of the Keiro, she spotted a crocodile and said, “I know who needs a huggie wuggie.”  So this is how they torture prisoners at Gitmo.  “Your turn Ron, you won that round, Selma” because it gave me a comedic laxative.  “A hyena is a shrink’s fantasy come true.”  What no punch line, Selma?  I get it hippos do not believe in practicing comedy material.  They get their inspiration from Larry the cable guy.  “Your turn, Ron, okay, Satan’s Pig… what, I’m quoting a hyena’s love letter to you – Selma.  I should put adhesive tape over that rat trap you call a mouth.”  How are you going to do that Nancy Drew?  What are the Hardy Boys going to hold me down while you try to tape my mouth shut?  Wait… Jessica Fletcher is going to wave her magic wand and the case will be solved!  “Okay, Bridget Jones.”  That’s when Selma bucks him off her back onto the shore. 

   When Ronnie went into the forest it starts to rain and he starts to daydream about Lucy’s downfall.  They say, the mightier they are the harder they fall.  Arrogance and pride caused Lucy’s downfall.  It was corrupt and the swine that followed it were corrupt.  The progression it followed was my brethren and I are corrupt so let’s cause acrimony between the monsters and their creator.  That’s why Lucy became a viper; it showed its true nature… death.  You see a viper’s venom has one purpose and that’s to kill.  The two monsters it encountered were not astute because they made an assumption.  That Lucy was correct about the special tree’s fruit and its health benefits.  When they realized their mistake it was too late.  Generations of monsters suffered until the everlasting hope came to set monsters free of their bondage.  This hope offers freedom for all monsters from Lucy’s chains.

  Ronnie walks into the river and realizes he is on an island.  He looks up and sees a bridge on the hilly section of the island.  His thirst is great, so he drinks.  When he doesn’t expect it, Selma charges him and yells.  “I want monkey for dinner.”  He runs up to the bridge and escapes but Selma isn’t so lucky.  She gets killed by a poacher.    

  The bridge is long – Ronnie starts to walk on it.  “I wonder why monsters base jump.  I know they’re following their evolutionary progression.”  The bridge’s wooden panels grew hot in the mid-afternoon sun.  “I’m no fool.  I realize that a firewalk at a Tony Robbins event is a needy person’s plea for help.  I guess Oprah missed the memo and I guess Gail didn’t slap her hard enough!”  When Ronnie gets to the quarter point of the bridge, he says to himself: hey, Obama, Rufio called to tell you that you’re his new intern.  Then, a strong wind slams Ronnie against the bridge.  “Now I know how Wiley E Coyote feels.  No wonder he ended up in a sanitarium.”  The hair on the back of Ronnie’s neck stands up, because death is coming for him.  He knows the sound of army ants and runs for his life.  When he stops running, he is at the base of the Great Rift Valley.  He walks up a mountain and finds some food.  The night comes and he slumbers on a rock. 

  Lenny, a badger, runs into the bathroom.  Where he witnessed George Bush put on a hockey mask.  Lenny said, “What’s with the hockey mask?  My Muslim friends enjoy a kind of dodgeball where they use shoes instead of balls.  I feel so honored when they invite me over to play.”  When George left, Vladimir Putin walked out of a stall singing Russian show tunes.  Lenny said, “What do the lyrics mean?  My little badger friend, let me explain it to you.”  Okay, but I’m sure it won’t be about you’re love for the Russian Press, Lenny thought.  “I’m singing about how great I am and how Mother Russia loves me!  Really?  I thought it would be about your bad breath.”  Putin glared at him. 

  That’s when the bathroom transforms into a space museum.  Lenny is dizzy because he he’s in an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.  When Alfred runs past him and says, “Run!”  The warning doesn’t faze Lenny until a song lyric comes to mind.  “One king will reign, one kingdom will remain.  The birth of the beast in thee, in vain, in he, insane.” 

  Ronnie woke up screaming because he had seen what had happened to Lenny and the rest of the animals in his nightmare.  Those gullible monsters, they’ll do and believe anything for world peace. 

  The morning is new and the memory of his nightmare is hazy.  He eats bananas for breakfast.  When his hunger is satiated, he climbs up a poison arrow tree; he swings from tree to tree.  He notices that he is in a huge swamp but is on the edge of it.  When he passes the swamp, and gets on the forest floor.  A horde of tsetse flies chase him.  Fifteen minutes later, he thinks his escape is a success but when he starts to sink in quicksand, he screams, “Help!”  A bear comes to his aid.

  “Hello, I’m Smokey the Bear and only you can prevent forest fires.  Why are you telling me that?  You imbecile, the forest is not burning.  I tell that to all my victims before I barbecue them.  Monkey sounds… delicious.  Okay Columbus.”  That is when Smokey started sharpening a butcher’s knife and started to drool.  Then, he put on some techno and danced around his barbecue pit.  This is his routine before he barbecues – the forest service always has to clean up his messes.  Ronnie shouted, “Hey, ass wipe, techno is for yuppies.”  This ruined Smokey’s fun and it enraged him.  “You’re going to pay for that Curious George.  Oh really?  I’m so scared… fatso.  Hey, where’s your yellow straight jacket, barbecue man?  Barbecue this, you circus act!”  That’s when Ronnie threw some quicksand in Smokey’s face.  Smokey got even madder, when he tripped and fell into his own barbecue pit.  That’s when the Oompa Lumpas attacked Smokey and threw gasoline on him.  Ronnie thanked them for saving him and for the tasty lunch.  That’s what happens when American Imperialism comes to Africa.  Willy Wonka’s gangsters handle it.

  When Ronnie leaves the Oompa Lumpas he meets Johnny the Orangutan.  Johnny said, “Did you hear the awful news?  Yep, they let Arnold Schwarzenegger act after he left politics… god help us all.  Nope, Watson.  The CIA kidnapped Smurfette for their diabolical experiments.”

  Great, what will my biographer think of next?  His name wasn’t even Johnny and he didn’t call me Watson.  This guy cannot get his facts straight.  That’s why Bill O’Reily is his biggest fan.  This whole story is filled with errors!  That’s why MSNBC is bank rolling his next book.  I bet he will feel nice and dirty after he publishes this crap.  Biography, my ass!

  “Hey, Ronnie stop mumbling or the CIA will abduct you, like smurfette.  Thanks for the warning, hawk eye.”  Ronnie rolled his eyes but Johnny would not let go of this absurdity.  He said, “They wanted smurfette because the ocean had turned purple!  They thought they could melt her and then, the ocean would turn back to blue, but she is one feisty broad.  She turned into a ninja and escaped her captors.  The damage done was severe; the CIA made her their number one enemy.”  Ronnie slapped Johnny and said, “Stop watching martial arts films.”

  When Ronnie leaves Johnny, he sees the clearing with the mysterious smell.  The fire is out – the monsters roasted a wild boar.  He realizes that the smell is myrrh and its source is a basket.  He jumps into the basket and basks in its smell.  Ten minutes later he looks up and all he sees is sky.  Then, he looks down and sees he is at least 1000 feet above the ground, he doesn’t worry, he figures that where ever he lands he will have another grand adventure.

 

The End

previous thesaurus madness posts
Z

eddie the lollipop

The lollipop’s name is Eddie and he hates little kids.  Why?  They look so sweet but beneath the veneer they’re sadists.  “Daddy can I have a lollipop?”  That’s a code word for murder.  They love ripping the skin off of Eddie’s friends.  They claim it’s a ‘wrapper’ when in fact their insides are being exposed.  You should hear their horrific screams.  They love saying, “This tastes good grandpa!”  The slaughter of the innocent is deplorable anything tastes good to ravenous wolves!  You don’t believe me talk to Dr. Phil.  They love ending it quick, they bite off the heads of Eddie’s friends to make themselves feel important.  Those pretentious snobs who justify what they do with excuses.  They say, “Yummy, yummy, in my tummy!”  When they should be saying, “I’m so sorry for injuring you, I should be eating crackers right now but Dick Cheney has a gun to my head because he thinks its hunting season.”  Then, they throw them out like a piece of trash because they act like they’re a common criminal. When they’re precious individuals, they each have a unique identity and story but what do little kids care.  Hey, if you get cavities because of this I have a couple words for you.  You reap what you sow, you wannabe hobbits!

cookie monster's revenge

This dude came up to me and said, “The matrix is real.”  I’m like “oh really, so is the sesame street mafia!”  He’s like “tell me more.”  I said, “If you play or listen to death metal, the big blue guy with the cookie fetish, gets you man.”  He said, “Noooo” because that’s when I stepped out of the dark, and he saw that I'm the cookie monster.  He ran for his life because he is a Cannibal Corpse fan, and I said, "Dodge this, you wannabe neo" he didn't get that far.  I dragged him into an alley way, in the process i got all bloody.

Then, a little girl came up to me on the street and asked, “Hey, cookie monster why are you all red?”  I responded, “I’m elmo’s bastard.  What’s a bastard?  It’s what you say to your parents when you are really thankful for something.  Thanks cookie monster and thanks for the cookie.”  Then she skipped along happy to have the inside scoop on today’s word.

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I wrote this sometime ago, I added some stuff today and just for the record I am not a fan of the band listed.

ps. just in case you didn't grow up in the underground metal scene the vocals of death metal are commonly referred to as 'cookie monster' vocals and that is the joke of the whole post.

z the clown

Z the Clown: part 1

The circus clown – z – was hilarious and gifted.  He was so gifted that fame had found him.  For some reason his stage name was z, nobody knew why or if there was any significance to it.  His real name, well, that is a mystery – another mystery is why women talk non-stop, I know they want to see how fast they can drive men crazy!  In addition, z didn’t care about money or fame.  He just liked bringing joy to people especially the downtrodden.  When it came to life, he wasn’t perfect.

Maugrim a clown had jealousy towards z because of his talents.  So that is why he is such a prick.  That explains a lot!  In addition, he convinced himself that he was better that z.  Hey, Charlie you are not the only one who needs to see a five cent psychiatrist.  Maugrim is captain of the conceited army.  He views himself as special but everybody else views him as a scoundrel.  Why?  There are a couple reasons.  First, he thinks Zion is a fable!  Good call, Forrest!  Second, he thinks revenge causes you to be rewarded.  Yep bitterness, envy, and rage are so tasty especially when you think you’re not a sucker!  This is a new kind of April fools joke.   He’s not gullible he’s just “liberated.”  Third, when it came to ripping people off, he was in a class all by himself.  I guess he never saw a Christmas Carol.  That goon!  Finally, he embraced vanity with all his heart.  What is there not to like about people who are conceited?  I know everything!

Maugrim loved spreading lies because it fed his ego.  I guess he never read this: his malice maybe concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.  He really hated z so he told the one gullible person – Harry Reid* – he knew Johnny the owner.  That our hero was intolerant to monkeys.  Gasp!  Why do I have a sudden urge to jump up on the tables at the library and start acting like I’m a monkey?  Ooh ooh aah aah!  I bet Jack Hanna would talk me down off the library tables.  Now I have to stop humoring myself because I don’t believe in mocking myself it is against my comedic creed. I have to get back to the story.  Johnny believed in tolerating anything just so everybody would be comfortable.  This led to z’s dismissal, it didn’t matter that z enjoyed watching monkeys at the zoo. 

The end.

*it’s a joke please don’t send the IRS after me

larry the pig: part one

My pig Larry likes wallowing in mud.  When I pointed this out to him, he called me a neat freak.  Yea, my pig is like Alf, he can talk.  I got mad and called him a slob.  He called me predictable.  So I retaliated by hosing him down with water.  He didn’t like that and called me the big bad wolf.  I told him I am no wolf, lamb chops.  He got even madder, because lambs are stupid.  I was like wow Mr. Smelly way to face reality!  He told me I was just a little boy in my own little world.  I responded, thanks Mr. Rogers for that enlightening comment!  Hey, look who it is its gizmo in the flesh, so when you eat at night do you multiple?  When you get wet do you turn into your own freak show? He squealed in anger after I said that!  Squealer, squealer!  Hey he said, at least I’m desired.  Yea for tasty mouth watering bacon, I said.  I was like by the way how is Miss Piggy?  Oops, I forgot she dumped you for a frog!  How does it feel to be Kermit’s bitch? Haha, I couldn’t stop laughing until Larry pointed out to me that he liked his bacon crispy, and that if I didn’t shut up he would turn me into it.  Wow, you’re a cannibal, he smirked at me in agreement and eventually our discussion calmed down and we talked about other things.  What are those things? You’ll have to wait.

Ps. Pig pen was so happy that I didn't mention him in this.