doggy justice

Bell, a dog had a big frown on his face because of an ominous thought.  Why do his doggy treats call him a needy Muppet?  Then, he gets another scary thought.  What if their working in collusion with his doggy toys?  They call him an asinine ferret.

He thinks those dog treats are just a vile attempt by corporate America to make him fat.  That’s the real reason old yeller died.  The book and movie are just a marketing ploy to make humans turn into crying saps!

In addition, those dog toys believe their Machiavellian plot to get rid of him will succeed.  They want to be man’s best friend.  Those conniving weasels!  They think squeaking will make the master, happy.  Those stupid posers! Their plan will lead to the master’s disillusionment.

He gets a brilliant idea to deal with his new found enemies.  Drown them with his invigorating yellow wine; he just has to work on his aim.  The next time these dissident punks decide to try to rise against him, they will pay the ultimate price!

eddie the lollipop

The lollipop’s name is Eddie and he hates little kids.  Why?  They look so sweet but beneath the veneer they’re sadists.  “Daddy can I have a lollipop?”  That’s a code word for murder.  They love ripping the skin off of Eddie’s friends.  They claim it’s a ‘wrapper’ when in fact their insides are being exposed.  You should hear their horrific screams.  They love saying, “This tastes good grandpa!”  The slaughter of the innocent is deplorable anything tastes good to ravenous wolves!  You don’t believe me talk to Dr. Phil.  They love ending it quick, they bite off the heads of Eddie’s friends to make themselves feel important.  Those pretentious snobs who justify what they do with excuses.  They say, “Yummy, yummy, in my tummy!”  When they should be saying, “I’m so sorry for injuring you, I should be eating crackers right now but Dick Cheney has a gun to my head because he thinks its hunting season.”  Then, they throw them out like a piece of trash because they act like they’re a common criminal. When they’re precious individuals, they each have a unique identity and story but what do little kids care.  Hey, if you get cavities because of this I have a couple words for you.  You reap what you sow, you wannabe hobbits!

cookie monster's revenge

This dude came up to me and said, “The matrix is real.”  I’m like “oh really, so is the sesame street mafia!”  He’s like “tell me more.”  I said, “If you play or listen to death metal, the big blue guy with the cookie fetish, gets you man.”  He said, “Noooo” because that’s when I stepped out of the dark, and he saw that I'm the cookie monster.  He ran for his life because he is a Cannibal Corpse fan, and I said, "Dodge this, you wannabe neo" he didn't get that far.  I dragged him into an alley way, in the process i got all bloody.

Then, a little girl came up to me on the street and asked, “Hey, cookie monster why are you all red?”  I responded, “I’m elmo’s bastard.  What’s a bastard?  It’s what you say to your parents when you are really thankful for something.  Thanks cookie monster and thanks for the cookie.”  Then she skipped along happy to have the inside scoop on today’s word.

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I wrote this sometime ago, I added some stuff today and just for the record I am not a fan of the band listed.

ps. just in case you didn't grow up in the underground metal scene the vocals of death metal are commonly referred to as 'cookie monster' vocals and that is the joke of the whole post.