polishing rocks

When you polish rocks you're secretly sending messages to oprah's evil hit squad, Oprah's rejects - starring James Fry.  When they catch you, you have to confess some deep dark secret on her network.

that is old

who am I?

When I don't get my way I just label people.  I'd rather be vain than realistic.  My idea of fun is stealing land and giving it to my friends.  I get my kicks by renaming things like the secret police after my hero, odie.
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this short paragraph is a couple years old I obviously wrote it before his death.

hugo chavez (pic from npr)

 

cable news producer

I have a stick and I'm going to beat a sucker to death.  So do you want to be clobbered?  Do you want to be my next victim?  Haha I love being a cable news producer!  I get all tingly when I think of those saps who watch my shows some of whom are my victims - toni medrano wink, wink.  I love selling fear to the masses and watching them scream at the tv: were going to die, ahhhhhhhhh!  I love making it seem that something horrible is going to happen everyday when in reality its a rare occurrence but people are so stupid if I told them in a story that donald duck was a serial killer they would believe it!  They would be like geez, i always thought donald was a nice duck, gosh i should go see my shrink to find out what is so wrong with me.  I guess when the ducksters was cancelled he lost it!  You want be gullible believe the shit i enjoy shoveling.

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this sarcastic rant was written a long time ago, is it funny, i'm not sure, if its not oh well, i'm to lazy to try and rewrite it. i added a bunch to it the new stuff starts after the 5th sentence.

ms. medrano is just an example and i'm not mocking her death since i think what nancy grace did was horrible especially her attitude after her death.

cookie monster's revenge

This dude came up to me and said, “The matrix is real.”  I’m like “oh really, so is the sesame street mafia!”  He’s like “tell me more.”  I said, “If you play or listen to death metal, the big blue guy with the cookie fetish, gets you man.”  He said, “Noooo” because that’s when I stepped out of the dark, and he saw that I'm the cookie monster.  He ran for his life because he is a Cannibal Corpse fan, and I said, "Dodge this, you wannabe neo" he didn't get that far.  I dragged him into an alley way, in the process i got all bloody.

Then, a little girl came up to me on the street and asked, “Hey, cookie monster why are you all red?”  I responded, “I’m elmo’s bastard.  What’s a bastard?  It’s what you say to your parents when you are really thankful for something.  Thanks cookie monster and thanks for the cookie.”  Then she skipped along happy to have the inside scoop on today’s word.

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I wrote this sometime ago, I added some stuff today and just for the record I am not a fan of the band listed.

ps. just in case you didn't grow up in the underground metal scene the vocals of death metal are commonly referred to as 'cookie monster' vocals and that is the joke of the whole post.

station burning

Hey, let's have a cumbersome, long adventure with ridiculous food prices and stops in meaningless hick towns!  Goody, goody, don't you want to take a ride on Amtrak's Pennsylvania line from Western Pennsylvania?  The freight trains have us as their bitches since their "special" and were just suckers waiting for our train to arrive.  You want to be on time, learn how to drive, sucker.  Hey, look on the bright side, in the winter we get to freeze our asses off waiting for the them to pass.  Heating, at the train station?  Really, this is a government supported monopoly.  What were you expecting, huh, some pennsylvania hicks to start a fire in the middle of the train station so we can hear their scary stories while the train station burns?  Hey, look on the bright side, if were early to harrisburg.  We get to go to allison hill on a field trip!  We can see if the gang members understand our sign language.  Woo Hoo!  That's when hicks cry for their mommy.

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this post is inspired by real life events of waiting for trains at johnstown pennsylvania's train station. so i have riden the pennsylvanian which is a train that goes from pittsburgh to new york city and nyc to pittsburgh everyday.

i wrote this a long time ago and this is a repost from leaving the dark for truth.

grammar snobs

To all my grammar snobby friends, whatever heathen, yo ain't it time yous to get a life you losers and to stop quacking?  Word to pasturized milk, which beats like gasoline but totally like totally loses to rock candy which your mama drools over ewww which is not a cure for rickets you brat which means these people fart a lot ewww stinky like dudes and dudettes i'm melting ahhhhhhh just like obama's concept of reality.

the end
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i wrote this a long time ago.

dear joseph smith

Joseph Smith claimed that he got the book of Mormon from an angel.  Yea and Roger Rabbit is my bookie, give me a break.  What are they going to view minorities as subhuman?  Oh wait they had that in their beliefs, but then they had a special meeting to clear that up.  How convenient, I guess being bigots didn’t fill their collection plates.  I guess god gave them a new "message."  So that’s why Utah is the whitest place I have ever visited!  In other news, Joseph Smith was never special; he was just a liar with a common name. 

photo from pbs.com

fema's excuse

The people who work for fema were singing Kumbayah, when the levees broke.  When the trailer homes were being built it was Joy to the World.  When the homes were sent to a different part of the country to rot it was Anarchy in the U.K.  Karaoke is a great invention, it helped them get so much done.  Wow, their an inspiration to all, especially monkeys who can do sign language. 

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i wrote this a really long time ago, this is the first time i've published it.

my comedic hero

I amuse myself by acting like i'm carrot top.  How do I do this?  First, I eat carrots so my hair turns... carroty.  Then, I go to the local drug dealer "tiny" and get my roids since he isn't just eating carrots.  Then, I make props so I can be a glorified stage hand.  Then, I wear a badge that has comedian on it; otherwise you'll think I'm a drooling monkey.

picture from buzzfeed.com

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this bit was written some time ago and its a repost as all of the posts have been so far.

the murder scene

A crowd gathered around the murder scene... that old chap is dead.  I wonder why?  He didn't listen to his misses.  He never put the toliet seat down.