stupid humans

A Smokey the Cat rant

My owners are stupid.  They think they own me, when in fact I own them.  Their about as smart as dead lobsters and they smell like them.  A bath to a human is dumping chemicals on themselves and jumping in front of somebody and saying, "Suprise, I'm clean!"  When we all know they still stink.  Why else would they have so many different kinds of deodorant?  I know santa claus had to pay off the mob!  You want to brainwash a gullible human, rub them a couple of times a day.  That's how they become whipped.  Those stupid fools.  Their heart must flutter when I meow.  I want to let them in on the joke but their ignorant.  What's the joke?  That I own them and they do my bidding.  Those idiots!

doggy justice

Bell, a dog had a big frown on his face because of an ominous thought.  Why do his doggy treats call him a needy Muppet?  Then, he gets another scary thought.  What if their working in collusion with his doggy toys?  They call him an asinine ferret.

He thinks those dog treats are just a vile attempt by corporate America to make him fat.  That’s the real reason old yeller died.  The book and movie are just a marketing ploy to make humans turn into crying saps!

In addition, those dog toys believe their Machiavellian plot to get rid of him will succeed.  They want to be man’s best friend.  Those conniving weasels!  They think squeaking will make the master, happy.  Those stupid posers! Their plan will lead to the master’s disillusionment.

He gets a brilliant idea to deal with his new found enemies.  Drown them with his invigorating yellow wine; he just has to work on his aim.  The next time these dissident punks decide to try to rise against him, they will pay the ultimate price!

yogi and friends dirty secrets

Yogi Bear let me in on a couple of dirty secrets about a Pennsylvania campground named after him.  What are the secrets?  That the national company – Jellystone Park – lets “mama bear” fire employees without training them.  That’s because she is a vampire who parades around at night stalking the campers.  You cannot have too many victims from Jersey!  When she wakes up “papa bear” tells her to take her medicine so she’s human and then the blood sucking stops!  What is her medicine?  Treating her employees like shit and acting like an angel when new campers arrive.  Hey, she’s not two-faced she’s deranged.  If the new campers knew of their impending death – especially the people from Jersey – they would run for their lives and if future employees knew about the vampire.  They would bring a wooden stake to the interview and say, “Ms. Mama Bear, do you enjoy having a bunch of employees talking about you behind your back?  How does it feel to be the butt of jokes where you’re called a bitch, a witch, and a bunch of other fancy terms that mean asshole?”  That’s when Ranger Rick will come out of the woods and drive the stake into her.  Then, he will tell everybody that decency and respect has returned to the campground.

When Ranger Rick cleans himself up, he spills the beans on some more dirty secrets.  The dirty secrets are about “goldilocks” behavior.  This woman is a coward.  Why else would she let “mama bear” fire one of her employees?  I know she was smoking in the girl’s room.  Why would she leave early, the day that he was fired?  I forgot she was making a “porridge” run.  Why would she tell mama bear that her employee was slow when it took her 20 minutes to get to his interview?  Wait, she was the slow one not the fired employee.  No shit!  I guess in this case not all stereotypes about blonds are wrong.  Goldilocks can give all the excuses she wants but we all know INS is anal about giving out green cards.  Why didn’t she realize he was bored and her judgment that he was slow was wrong?  Can you say idiot?  Why did she not train him?  Incompetence is a virtue to her. 

Then, Boo Boo came along and told of shady things related to taxes and how the fired employee is reporting them to the BRS – Bear Revenue Service – and how Yogi is in hiding because of all the picnic baskets he has stolen.  When “smokey the bear” gets here management will have a lot of explaining to do and smokey isn’t nice to people who burn other things besides fires.

If this post concerns you please call:

(513) 831-2100 Jellystone Park’s Corporate Offices

The names have been changed so I do not get sued but everything in this post is true and please if you know me do not use my name, tell them yogi sent you.

eddie the lollipop

The lollipop’s name is Eddie and he hates little kids.  Why?  They look so sweet but beneath the veneer they’re sadists.  “Daddy can I have a lollipop?”  That’s a code word for murder.  They love ripping the skin off of Eddie’s friends.  They claim it’s a ‘wrapper’ when in fact their insides are being exposed.  You should hear their horrific screams.  They love saying, “This tastes good grandpa!”  The slaughter of the innocent is deplorable anything tastes good to ravenous wolves!  You don’t believe me talk to Dr. Phil.  They love ending it quick, they bite off the heads of Eddie’s friends to make themselves feel important.  Those pretentious snobs who justify what they do with excuses.  They say, “Yummy, yummy, in my tummy!”  When they should be saying, “I’m so sorry for injuring you, I should be eating crackers right now but Dick Cheney has a gun to my head because he thinks its hunting season.”  Then, they throw them out like a piece of trash because they act like they’re a common criminal. When they’re precious individuals, they each have a unique identity and story but what do little kids care.  Hey, if you get cavities because of this I have a couple words for you.  You reap what you sow, you wannabe hobbits!

online poker boy

I know what I’ll do I’ll whine to the librarian about the computers being slow and when the smart guy – wink, wink – suggests that you re-upload the site I’ll act like an idiot.  I’ll respond to him like he’s a jackass.  When she leaves for 20 or so minutes afterward I’ll press the mouse as much as possible, I’m not annoying or stupid, nope I’m just trying to exercise my smartest body part.

tv prophet

hey, I know what I want to be when I grow up a "prophet."  Then, I can create my own tv ministry and beg for money.  I can promise you that you will be blessed with your love gift when in fact i'm just saying that to sucker you.  How the hell am I suppose to know that?  I'm not God!  I am just a business man!  I can be inaccurate and just say "oops" when my prophecy is completely off.  I can cry on tv when I cheat on my wife and say i'm sorry and expect my idiot followers to still send in their love gifts.  They believe that she is the root of the problem not me because i'm such a nice guy on tv, I would never do something that horrible on purpose.  I can proclaim doom and gloom while my books and dvds on the subject fly out like hot cakes to the senile old ladies and fools who buy them.  During which i'm counting the money and buying a new yacht.  I can act like I have secret information and that's why you should listen to me.  When in fact i have a whole team of lemmings working for me, who get me the information.  I make sure to ridicule other branches of Christianity so i do not seem arrogant.  I know what your thinking when am I going to reveal my ministry's yearly income?  When I get to heaven!

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I'm wondering if i've killed any sacred cows? hmmmm

cable news producer

I have a stick and I'm going to beat a sucker to death.  So do you want to be clobbered?  Do you want to be my next victim?  Haha I love being a cable news producer!  I get all tingly when I think of those saps who watch my shows some of whom are my victims - toni medrano wink, wink.  I love selling fear to the masses and watching them scream at the tv: were going to die, ahhhhhhhhh!  I love making it seem that something horrible is going to happen everyday when in reality its a rare occurrence but people are so stupid if I told them in a story that donald duck was a serial killer they would believe it!  They would be like geez, i always thought donald was a nice duck, gosh i should go see my shrink to find out what is so wrong with me.  I guess when the ducksters was cancelled he lost it!  You want be gullible believe the shit i enjoy shoveling.

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this sarcastic rant was written a long time ago, is it funny, i'm not sure, if its not oh well, i'm to lazy to try and rewrite it. i added a bunch to it the new stuff starts after the 5th sentence.

ms. medrano is just an example and i'm not mocking her death since i think what nancy grace did was horrible especially her attitude after her death.