self check out line

Hey I know what I’ll do; I’ll create a self check out line at the library, just so I can have a power trip.  You know me; I enjoy treating people like lemmings because I have a boring life.  Hey, you want to take out a dvd, you have to come to me because I’m so special and wonderful.  Then, I get to act like I care about you.  Doesn’t that sound fun!  Hey, if I see you trying to take out a dvd on your own at the self check out line, I’ll get testy because my job is so pointless.  I know what it is I have to make you treat me like I have a relevant life.  You know what the computer at the check out line is really for, its to brainwash you into thinking that you have independence.  When in realty the computer is just part of my vapid personality!

dear joseph smith

Joseph Smith claimed that he got the book of Mormon from an angel.  Yea and Roger Rabbit is my bookie, give me a break.  What are they going to view minorities as subhuman?  Oh wait they had that in their beliefs, but then they had a special meeting to clear that up.  How convenient, I guess being bigots didn’t fill their collection plates.  I guess god gave them a new "message."  So that’s why Utah is the whitest place I have ever visited!  In other news, Joseph Smith was never special; he was just a liar with a common name. 

photo from pbs.com

fema's excuse

The people who work for fema were singing Kumbayah, when the levees broke.  When the trailer homes were being built it was Joy to the World.  When the homes were sent to a different part of the country to rot it was Anarchy in the U.K.  Karaoke is a great invention, it helped them get so much done.  Wow, their an inspiration to all, especially monkeys who can do sign language. 

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i wrote this a really long time ago, this is the first time i've published it.

my comedic hero

I amuse myself by acting like i'm carrot top.  How do I do this?  First, I eat carrots so my hair turns... carroty.  Then, I go to the local drug dealer "tiny" and get my roids since he isn't just eating carrots.  Then, I make props so I can be a glorified stage hand.  Then, I wear a badge that has comedian on it; otherwise you'll think I'm a drooling monkey.

picture from buzzfeed.com

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this bit was written some time ago and its a repost as all of the posts have been so far.

the murder scene

A crowd gathered around the murder scene... that old chap is dead.  I wonder why?  He didn't listen to his misses.  He never put the toliet seat down.

larry the pig: part one

My pig Larry likes wallowing in mud.  When I pointed this out to him, he called me a neat freak.  Yea, my pig is like Alf, he can talk.  I got mad and called him a slob.  He called me predictable.  So I retaliated by hosing him down with water.  He didn’t like that and called me the big bad wolf.  I told him I am no wolf, lamb chops.  He got even madder, because lambs are stupid.  I was like wow Mr. Smelly way to face reality!  He told me I was just a little boy in my own little world.  I responded, thanks Mr. Rogers for that enlightening comment!  Hey, look who it is its gizmo in the flesh, so when you eat at night do you multiple?  When you get wet do you turn into your own freak show? He squealed in anger after I said that!  Squealer, squealer!  Hey he said, at least I’m desired.  Yea for tasty mouth watering bacon, I said.  I was like by the way how is Miss Piggy?  Oops, I forgot she dumped you for a frog!  How does it feel to be Kermit’s bitch? Haha, I couldn’t stop laughing until Larry pointed out to me that he liked his bacon crispy, and that if I didn’t shut up he would turn me into it.  Wow, you’re a cannibal, he smirked at me in agreement and eventually our discussion calmed down and we talked about other things.  What are those things? You’ll have to wait.

Ps. Pig pen was so happy that I didn't mention him in this.