eddie the lollipop

The lollipop’s name is Eddie and he hates little kids.  Why?  They look so sweet but beneath the veneer they’re sadists.  “Daddy can I have a lollipop?”  That’s a code word for murder.  They love ripping the skin off of Eddie’s friends.  They claim it’s a ‘wrapper’ when in fact their insides are being exposed.  You should hear their horrific screams.  They love saying, “This tastes good grandpa!”  The slaughter of the innocent is deplorable anything tastes good to ravenous wolves!  You don’t believe me talk to Dr. Phil.  They love ending it quick, they bite off the heads of Eddie’s friends to make themselves feel important.  Those pretentious snobs who justify what they do with excuses.  They say, “Yummy, yummy, in my tummy!”  When they should be saying, “I’m so sorry for injuring you, I should be eating crackers right now but Dick Cheney has a gun to my head because he thinks its hunting season.”  Then, they throw them out like a piece of trash because they act like they’re a common criminal. When they’re precious individuals, they each have a unique identity and story but what do little kids care.  Hey, if you get cavities because of this I have a couple words for you.  You reap what you sow, you wannabe hobbits!

online poker boy

I know what I’ll do I’ll whine to the librarian about the computers being slow and when the smart guy – wink, wink – suggests that you re-upload the site I’ll act like an idiot.  I’ll respond to him like he’s a jackass.  When she leaves for 20 or so minutes afterward I’ll press the mouse as much as possible, I’m not annoying or stupid, nope I’m just trying to exercise my smartest body part.

tv prophet

hey, I know what I want to be when I grow up a "prophet."  Then, I can create my own tv ministry and beg for money.  I can promise you that you will be blessed with your love gift when in fact i'm just saying that to sucker you.  How the hell am I suppose to know that?  I'm not God!  I am just a business man!  I can be inaccurate and just say "oops" when my prophecy is completely off.  I can cry on tv when I cheat on my wife and say i'm sorry and expect my idiot followers to still send in their love gifts.  They believe that she is the root of the problem not me because i'm such a nice guy on tv, I would never do something that horrible on purpose.  I can proclaim doom and gloom while my books and dvds on the subject fly out like hot cakes to the senile old ladies and fools who buy them.  During which i'm counting the money and buying a new yacht.  I can act like I have secret information and that's why you should listen to me.  When in fact i have a whole team of lemmings working for me, who get me the information.  I make sure to ridicule other branches of Christianity so i do not seem arrogant.  I know what your thinking when am I going to reveal my ministry's yearly income?  When I get to heaven!

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I'm wondering if i've killed any sacred cows? hmmmm

cable news producer

I have a stick and I'm going to beat a sucker to death.  So do you want to be clobbered?  Do you want to be my next victim?  Haha I love being a cable news producer!  I get all tingly when I think of those saps who watch my shows some of whom are my victims - toni medrano wink, wink.  I love selling fear to the masses and watching them scream at the tv: were going to die, ahhhhhhhhh!  I love making it seem that something horrible is going to happen everyday when in reality its a rare occurrence but people are so stupid if I told them in a story that donald duck was a serial killer they would believe it!  They would be like geez, i always thought donald was a nice duck, gosh i should go see my shrink to find out what is so wrong with me.  I guess when the ducksters was cancelled he lost it!  You want be gullible believe the shit i enjoy shoveling.

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this sarcastic rant was written a long time ago, is it funny, i'm not sure, if its not oh well, i'm to lazy to try and rewrite it. i added a bunch to it the new stuff starts after the 5th sentence.

ms. medrano is just an example and i'm not mocking her death since i think what nancy grace did was horrible especially her attitude after her death.

cookie monster's revenge

This dude came up to me and said, “The matrix is real.”  I’m like “oh really, so is the sesame street mafia!”  He’s like “tell me more.”  I said, “If you play or listen to death metal, the big blue guy with the cookie fetish, gets you man.”  He said, “Noooo” because that’s when I stepped out of the dark, and he saw that I'm the cookie monster.  He ran for his life because he is a Cannibal Corpse fan, and I said, "Dodge this, you wannabe neo" he didn't get that far.  I dragged him into an alley way, in the process i got all bloody.

Then, a little girl came up to me on the street and asked, “Hey, cookie monster why are you all red?”  I responded, “I’m elmo’s bastard.  What’s a bastard?  It’s what you say to your parents when you are really thankful for something.  Thanks cookie monster and thanks for the cookie.”  Then she skipped along happy to have the inside scoop on today’s word.

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I wrote this sometime ago, I added some stuff today and just for the record I am not a fan of the band listed.

ps. just in case you didn't grow up in the underground metal scene the vocals of death metal are commonly referred to as 'cookie monster' vocals and that is the joke of the whole post.

yogi bear's death

Wally the cat’s zeal for chasing mice was notorious.  He loved zigzagging before pouncing; sort of like what obama does to avoid tough questions from the white house press core.  His zany antics were legendary and so are kimmel’s when he gets drunk on the air!  Friends viewed Wally as a zealot. 

However, they viewed him as a pansy when it came to bees.  The reason bees scared him so much was because they soared like a zeppelin and had zero tolerance when they got angry.  Plus he’s allergic to bee stings!

His owners’ bill and ted feel that life is an excellent adventure.  That’s why they enjoy watching zarzuelas on Telemundo.  They always say to each other, we should learn Spanish so we can understand what they are saying to each other.  Ted is convinced that their just saying “party on dude.”  When they get zonked they try to pronounce Sesame Street’s word of the day like today’s word: zeitgeist which they are convinced means Mary had a little lamb and he was white as snow.

Then, Yogi Bear burst into the room and said, “Boo Boo’s in the zoo we have to do a rescue mission.”  Bill said, “Animals can talk, so can my gun!”  Later that night, they had bear steaks with lemon zest.  Yum Yum!  He tasted better than the average bear.

The next day, the peta people burst into the room and saw the kill zone with Yogi’s bloody hat.  They screamed you has-beens you killed Yogi!  No we didn’t we would never kill that catcher.  You stupid ingrates!  However, before they could finish their rant, Boo Boo walked out of the bedroom with a brand new Zenith TV.  Their mouths hit the floor because they thought Boo Boo was in the Zion City Animal Shelter but he escaped.  When they saw him licking his chops and heard him say, “Boy, Yogi you taste damn good!”  They were horrified and screamed, what is this a twisted version of Narnia?  Let me guess Puzzle’s going to come out next like a jackass and invite us to a game of truth or dare.  When Pete Puma came out instead and said, “I need some lumps.”  The peta activists were like what is this a two-bit cartoon reunion?  Pete and Boo Boo didn’t like their attitude so they chased them out of the house and down the street.

The end

Moral of the story: little bears like the taste of bigger bears.

station burning

Hey, let's have a cumbersome, long adventure with ridiculous food prices and stops in meaningless hick towns!  Goody, goody, don't you want to take a ride on Amtrak's Pennsylvania line from Western Pennsylvania?  The freight trains have us as their bitches since their "special" and were just suckers waiting for our train to arrive.  You want to be on time, learn how to drive, sucker.  Hey, look on the bright side, in the winter we get to freeze our asses off waiting for the them to pass.  Heating, at the train station?  Really, this is a government supported monopoly.  What were you expecting, huh, some pennsylvania hicks to start a fire in the middle of the train station so we can hear their scary stories while the train station burns?  Hey, look on the bright side, if were early to harrisburg.  We get to go to allison hill on a field trip!  We can see if the gang members understand our sign language.  Woo Hoo!  That's when hicks cry for their mommy.

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this post is inspired by real life events of waiting for trains at johnstown pennsylvania's train station. so i have riden the pennsylvanian which is a train that goes from pittsburgh to new york city and nyc to pittsburgh everyday.

i wrote this a long time ago and this is a repost from leaving the dark for truth.