cookie monster's revenge

This dude came up to me and said, “The matrix is real.”  I’m like “oh really, so is the sesame street mafia!”  He’s like “tell me more.”  I said, “If you play or listen to death metal, the big blue guy with the cookie fetish, gets you man.”  He said, “Noooo” because that’s when I stepped out of the dark, and he saw that I'm the cookie monster.  He ran for his life because he is a Cannibal Corpse fan, and I said, "Dodge this, you wannabe neo" he didn't get that far.  I dragged him into an alley way, in the process i got all bloody.

Then, a little girl came up to me on the street and asked, “Hey, cookie monster why are you all red?”  I responded, “I’m elmo’s bastard.  What’s a bastard?  It’s what you say to your parents when you are really thankful for something.  Thanks cookie monster and thanks for the cookie.”  Then she skipped along happy to have the inside scoop on today’s word.

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I wrote this sometime ago, I added some stuff today and just for the record I am not a fan of the band listed.

ps. just in case you didn't grow up in the underground metal scene the vocals of death metal are commonly referred to as 'cookie monster' vocals and that is the joke of the whole post.

yogi bear's death

Wally the cat’s zeal for chasing mice was notorious.  He loved zigzagging before pouncing; sort of like what obama does to avoid tough questions from the white house press core.  His zany antics were legendary and so are kimmel’s when he gets drunk on the air!  Friends viewed Wally as a zealot. 

However, they viewed him as a pansy when it came to bees.  The reason bees scared him so much was because they soared like a zeppelin and had zero tolerance when they got angry.  Plus he’s allergic to bee stings!

His owners’ bill and ted feel that life is an excellent adventure.  That’s why they enjoy watching zarzuelas on Telemundo.  They always say to each other, we should learn Spanish so we can understand what they are saying to each other.  Ted is convinced that their just saying “party on dude.”  When they get zonked they try to pronounce Sesame Street’s word of the day like today’s word: zeitgeist which they are convinced means Mary had a little lamb and he was white as snow.

Then, Yogi Bear burst into the room and said, “Boo Boo’s in the zoo we have to do a rescue mission.”  Bill said, “Animals can talk, so can my gun!”  Later that night, they had bear steaks with lemon zest.  Yum Yum!  He tasted better than the average bear.

The next day, the peta people burst into the room and saw the kill zone with Yogi’s bloody hat.  They screamed you has-beens you killed Yogi!  No we didn’t we would never kill that catcher.  You stupid ingrates!  However, before they could finish their rant, Boo Boo walked out of the bedroom with a brand new Zenith TV.  Their mouths hit the floor because they thought Boo Boo was in the Zion City Animal Shelter but he escaped.  When they saw him licking his chops and heard him say, “Boy, Yogi you taste damn good!”  They were horrified and screamed, what is this a twisted version of Narnia?  Let me guess Puzzle’s going to come out next like a jackass and invite us to a game of truth or dare.  When Pete Puma came out instead and said, “I need some lumps.”  The peta activists were like what is this a two-bit cartoon reunion?  Pete and Boo Boo didn’t like their attitude so they chased them out of the house and down the street.

The end

Moral of the story: little bears like the taste of bigger bears.

station burning

Hey, let's have a cumbersome, long adventure with ridiculous food prices and stops in meaningless hick towns!  Goody, goody, don't you want to take a ride on Amtrak's Pennsylvania line from Western Pennsylvania?  The freight trains have us as their bitches since their "special" and were just suckers waiting for our train to arrive.  You want to be on time, learn how to drive, sucker.  Hey, look on the bright side, in the winter we get to freeze our asses off waiting for the them to pass.  Heating, at the train station?  Really, this is a government supported monopoly.  What were you expecting, huh, some pennsylvania hicks to start a fire in the middle of the train station so we can hear their scary stories while the train station burns?  Hey, look on the bright side, if were early to harrisburg.  We get to go to allison hill on a field trip!  We can see if the gang members understand our sign language.  Woo Hoo!  That's when hicks cry for their mommy.

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this post is inspired by real life events of waiting for trains at johnstown pennsylvania's train station. so i have riden the pennsylvanian which is a train that goes from pittsburgh to new york city and nyc to pittsburgh everyday.

i wrote this a long time ago and this is a repost from leaving the dark for truth.

z the clown

Z the Clown: part 1

The circus clown – z – was hilarious and gifted.  He was so gifted that fame had found him.  For some reason his stage name was z, nobody knew why or if there was any significance to it.  His real name, well, that is a mystery – another mystery is why women talk non-stop, I know they want to see how fast they can drive men crazy!  In addition, z didn’t care about money or fame.  He just liked bringing joy to people especially the downtrodden.  When it came to life, he wasn’t perfect.

Maugrim a clown had jealousy towards z because of his talents.  So that is why he is such a prick.  That explains a lot!  In addition, he convinced himself that he was better that z.  Hey, Charlie you are not the only one who needs to see a five cent psychiatrist.  Maugrim is captain of the conceited army.  He views himself as special but everybody else views him as a scoundrel.  Why?  There are a couple reasons.  First, he thinks Zion is a fable!  Good call, Forrest!  Second, he thinks revenge causes you to be rewarded.  Yep bitterness, envy, and rage are so tasty especially when you think you’re not a sucker!  This is a new kind of April fools joke.   He’s not gullible he’s just “liberated.”  Third, when it came to ripping people off, he was in a class all by himself.  I guess he never saw a Christmas Carol.  That goon!  Finally, he embraced vanity with all his heart.  What is there not to like about people who are conceited?  I know everything!

Maugrim loved spreading lies because it fed his ego.  I guess he never read this: his malice maybe concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.  He really hated z so he told the one gullible person – Harry Reid* – he knew Johnny the owner.  That our hero was intolerant to monkeys.  Gasp!  Why do I have a sudden urge to jump up on the tables at the library and start acting like I’m a monkey?  Ooh ooh aah aah!  I bet Jack Hanna would talk me down off the library tables.  Now I have to stop humoring myself because I don’t believe in mocking myself it is against my comedic creed. I have to get back to the story.  Johnny believed in tolerating anything just so everybody would be comfortable.  This led to z’s dismissal, it didn’t matter that z enjoyed watching monkeys at the zoo. 

The end.

*it’s a joke please don’t send the IRS after me

grammar snobs

To all my grammar snobby friends, whatever heathen, yo ain't it time yous to get a life you losers and to stop quacking?  Word to pasturized milk, which beats like gasoline but totally like totally loses to rock candy which your mama drools over ewww which is not a cure for rickets you brat which means these people fart a lot ewww stinky like dudes and dudettes i'm melting ahhhhhhh just like obama's concept of reality.

the end
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i wrote this a long time ago.