Hotel Pool

I was swimming in a hotel pool in the south with my brother.  When he decided it would be fun if I drowned.  The only thing missing was a play-by-play announcer.

You see I was tired of swimming.  So I started to climb up the ladder.  That's when my brother struck by jumping next to me in the pool.  I was like a stranded rat.  Then, he pushed me down as I held onto the ladder and he climbed up, it was a new version of marco polo.  When I was almost dead after 15 times of this fun (give or take).  I felt a tap on my shoulder.  I looked and jesus was in scuba gear and I heard in my head. "You need to learn to walk on water and walk in forgiveness."

The next day I threw up all over the table at cracker barrel, to the victor goes the spoils.
 s

Challenger

 

I remember watching the challenger explosion on the news with my mom and thinking.  Wow, way to make an exit with a bang.  Where's superman when you need him.

Home Room Teacher

 I went to a Christian High School and had a new home room teacher in 11th grade.  When I met him he made me uneasy because his beard would jump off his face and run around the classroom like a bad toddler with a bad candy habit.  One time during home room, this teacher got so annoyed, that he shot and killed his own beard.  I didn't know it was possible either until it happened, it was any agonizing death.  The crime scene was massive.  Their was hair everywhere.  The police dragged him off to jail to answer for his crimes.  A beard doesn't make you holy, your actions make you holy.  I'm kidding about his beard and charges.

He was arrested for raping and molesting 2 male Korean students in his camper.  When I found out about this on the news, years later.  I thought they made him assistant principal, checkmate.

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Window Snowball

 I grew up in a row home in Lancaster City.  My room was in the attic on the third floor.  When it snowed, I jumped up and down with excitement, it wasn’t because snow white was running for president.  You see, I had a secret vice.  When it snowed, I threw snowballs out of my windows at moving cars.  I never succeed in hitting a car because your window has to be open first.  Who knew?  Boywonder!  I guess that wasn’t included in my childhood playbook.  No wonder I had so many talks with frosty the snowman.  I’m so glad it wasn’t because of my horrible timing and weak arm, it feels great to be vindicated.  What a relief.

hick shooting

 

When I asked a hick, how they say I love you.  He said, let’s go racing.  When I asked him, what they say to their future father-in-law.  He said, shoot me now.  So I shot him to put him out of his misery.  Hey, its called a mercy killing and he asked for it.  I figured, why should hicks have all the fun.  Hey, he asked for it.

Cleveland Metal

 

So I was in Cleveland in 2015, I drove from Columbus Ohio to go to a baseball game because Oakland (a’s) was playing.  When the game was over I was walking toward the entrance of the covered walkways, to get to my car. The closer I got the louder the music got, it was metal.  So I went around the corner and a band was playing.  Why bother putting a sign with the band’s name on it, that’s for assholes and rookies.  I noticed the lead singer kept pumping his fist.  I thought, why sing?  When you can pantomime the lyrics.  Wow, their future is bright, Vegas is next baby.

bigfoot joke

 You know how you upset big foot?  Tell him to take off his ape suit.

another classic